My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
