Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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