Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
