If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
