call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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