I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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