So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Houston, we have a blender
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
