you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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