I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
