I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
