Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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