Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
