how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
