Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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