but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
