Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize