I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
