There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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