cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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