Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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