omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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