I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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