My hand turned me down
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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