"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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