What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Randomize
