I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
