seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize