Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
