somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
