Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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