You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
