Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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