i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize