I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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