i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
