had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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