Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
