Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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