Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize