Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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