I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
