As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize