It was confusing and full of hummus
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
