The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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