Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
