Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
