Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
They have beer where we have blood.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
