i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
