Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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