You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
