Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
