I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
