Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize