how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
