So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
