hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
