I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
my poor anus
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
