I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
