Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
