I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
