I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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