phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The police scanner is talking about you again....
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
