so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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