Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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