Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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