textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize