People in love make me want to vomit
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i drank out of a bidet.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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